


Infinity

by nautical_2



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: English is hard, M/M, Unrequited Love, happy valentines day, oh sehun is made of love, ot8 is a lie fuck off
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 17:32:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17771150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nautical_2/pseuds/nautical_2
Summary: Something maybe no one knows was that every scandal they’ve ever been through was a scandal of love.





	Infinity

**Author's Note:**

> to all the lonely gays on v-day: there is more to love than romance! 
> 
> this was supposed to be sad unrequited love but somehow it turned into me screaming about ot12 and ot9 :)

“You’re not in love with me” Kyungsoo says when he breaks Sehun heart, his voice like flickering candlelight. “You’re in love with the idea of it. With the image of love itself.” 

He says it casually, without inflection, and Sehun knows that Kyungsoo has a good poker face but this is a little harsh, isn’t it?

“What does that even mean?” He tries not to sound like a toddler stamping his foot in frustration, but he can’t help the petulance in his voice. Sehun is twenty four now– the members should have long ago stopped playing games with him. 

Kyungsoo shrugs, nonchalantly, and if he’s trying to make Sehun angry he’s doing a good job of it. “It means exactly what I said. You’re not in love, but you wish you were, and I just happen to be the target of your affection.” 

Sehun snorts, because that’s ridiculous. He’s seen what love did to Baekhyun, what love did to Jongin (twice, now), what love did to their entire group. He knows that in their profession, love is practically a death sentence. He would have to be an idiot to project his want of love onto someone else. 

Especially one of his bandmates. 

“I’m not an idiot.” Sehun says, making eye contact with Kyungsoo. 

Kyungsoo looks away. Sehun wonders what that means. 

“You just don’t understand yet.” Kyungsoo says, like he isn’t only a year older than Sehun, like their members’ scandals didn’t happen years ago, the memory forever imprinted in their hearts. It’s ridiculous. Kyungsoo is ridiculous. Sehun is far too experienced for offhanded “you’ll understand when you’re older”s. 

“Don’t say that.” He’s angry and heartbroken. Kyungsoo looks fine. Life isn’t fair. The least he could do is let Sehun down gently. “I know what love is.”

Kyungsoo considers this. He nods. “You know what heartbreak is too, then. Right?” It’s a rhetorical question. 

Sehun remains quiet as Kyungsoo walks away. The flame flickers once before disappearing in a wisp of smoke. 

\---

It’s Baekhyun who convinces Sehun to confess, the secret slipping from Sehun’s lips over videogames and alcohol. He’s losing miserably, which should have been a sign to him then, foreshadowing, but all he can think of is the shape of Kyungsoo’s smile and the feel of his sweaters. Warm and safe. 

He doesn’t think much of it when he first tells Baekhyun. Why would he, after all? Everyone loves Kyungsoo, is in love with Kyungsoo. Sehun isn’t special.

“If you confess, the worst that’ll happen is he’ll say no.” Baekhyun takes a sip of beer daintily, like he’s not the most improper out of all the members. “You know he won’t hold it against you. He’s not like that.” 

“I know.” Sehun groans, burying his face in his hands as his avatar dies for the fifth time that night. He wouldn’t be in love with Kyungsoo if he was like that. (That, being cruel and homophobic and mean.)

Baekhyun hums in consolation, fingers flying over his keyboard as he shoots the last of their enemies, winning the game for both of them. Sehun clenches his own can in his fist, the aluminium bending precariously.

“It’s late.” Baekhyun says, discontinuing the conversation. It must be obvious how much Sehun doesn’t want to talk about this. “You should go to back to your room before Junmyeon starts to worry.” 

Sehun looks up to see the bluish light from Baekhyun’s computer screen reflecting off his face, pretty features twisted in worry. Sometimes Sehun wishes that it was Baekhyun he was in love with, because at least then he might have a chance. At least he understands Baekhyun, and can read his expressions. Kind of.

“You’re right.” Sehun says, and stands. He takes his time gathering his things, even though anything left behind will just be returned the next day. He pauses outside the closed door of Kyungsoo’s room for a moment, counts the seconds and the thumps of his heart, and turns away.

\---

Sehun doesn’t remember when he first realized he was in love with Kyungsoo. Maybe it was when Kwangsoo commented on it, when he had asked Sehun why he couldn’t stop talking about Kyungsoo during filming, why he kept bringing Kyungsoo up in the conversation. Maybe it was before that, the first time he had seen Kyungsoo on the screen of a movie and had realized how truly talented he is. Maybe it was long before any of that, when he was one the snarky and steady member surrounded by a crowd of hyper ones, calming them down with a single look and a violent gesture. 

Maybe it was all the moments in between. Sehun doesn’t know, and he doesn’t really need to know, because it doesn’t really matter. 

Kyungsoo is Kyungsoo, and perhaps Sehun has been in love since the very beginning, in 2010, the first time Do Kyungsoo walked through the doors of SM Entertainment. 

\---

Sehun learns what love is when Kris leaves. 

He thought he knew what love was before, in the way his parents took care of him and his brother watched his back as a child. But this love is different, something more tangible, something more volatile. 

Kris leaves and everything falls apart. 

Or, everything can fall apart, but doesn’t. 

Or. Everything should fall apart. But doesn’t.

Kris leaves and Baekhyun is caught and Sehun learns what love is in the stress lines that crease Baekhyun’s face and the unshed tears in Junmyeon’s eyes (and the pain in Yixing’s back as he continues to dance despite the costs). Love is horrifying, and powerful, and Sehun prays that he will never have to face anything like it, that the world will be kind to him and never let him fall in love. 

\---

If Sehun learns the definition of love when Kris leaves, it’s when Luhan leaves that he learns heartbreak. 

Heartbreak is soft. It’s sad. It’s little pieces of your heart chipping off until there’s nothing left but a single shard of glass, sharp and deadly and fragile. It’s a knife, a defense mechanism, because when you have nothing left everything you are becomes a weapon. 

Sehun loves Luhan. (Loved? He doesn’t know.) He loves Luhan because Luhan is bright, like a beacon of light guiding the lost ones home. A star.

(A dying star, Sehun’s consciousness says, a star that stays close to the ground because it’s afraid of the sky. Sehun tells it to shut up.)

But it isn’t Sehun’s heart that breaks, not really. Instead, it’s Minseok’s. (It’s Yixing’s, again.)

And as Sehun watches as Minseok slowly turns from a whole heart into half of one (as Yixing is left with one brother instead of three), Sehun prays again, that he’ll never know love, because that way he’ll never know heartbreak.

\---

But all things must come to an end. Kris left in a flurry of anger, Luhan in fear, and Tao–

Sehun’s best friend is taken from him in a rush of pain, and Sehun doesn’t know whose fault it is but they will never be forgiven. 

(Is it his own fault? He doesn’t know.)

For the first time in his (relatively short) career, Sehun thinks he knows what it’s like to play the game of love and to lose. He was never in love with Tao, not in  _ that _ way, but they were the same, almost. The youngest members of the two halves of EXO, the babies of the group, loved by their members and by each other. Jongin may be closer in age, yes, and in EXO-K, but Sehun feels closer to Tao than he ever felt with Jongin. 

Felt closer to Tao? Everything’s become a blur now, and while Sehun thinks he’s gotten used to nine members, sometimes he wakes up in the morning and forgets that Tao is gone, that they aren’t twelve.

For a while after Tao leaves, Sehun keeps his eyes open for the other members. He pays special attention to Yixing, the last chinese member, Jongdae, now the youngest EXO-M member, and Kyungsoo, the only other member born in ‘93. He watches for heartbreak, similar to Junmyeon’s unshed tears and Minseok’s glass heart, but finds none. 

It’s not until Kyungsoo corners him in the room Sehun shares with Junmyeon and asks, carefully, if he’s doing okay that Sehun realizes it’s  _ him _ whose heart is broken. It’s  _ him _ the other members are watching out for, taking care of, protecting the way they have to protect Junmyeon and Minseok (and Yixing). 

“I’m okay.” Sehun says. “I’m fine.” 

Kyungsoo’s eyes dart over Sehun’s face in quick movements, no doubt searching for a hidden lie. 

Sehun has a good poker face, but it’s only half a lie. He’s not okay, not right now, because his best friend is gone and is never coming back, is suing the company that made them. But someday he will be okay, with his members at his side. He is the baby of the group, after all. Never will he feel unloved, as long as the nine of them are together. 

Kyungsoo must be satisfied with what he sees, because he takes a step back and nods carefully. “Okay.” He says, repeats, voice soft and deep and warm. 

Maybe that’s when Sehun fell in love. At the very beginning. 

\---

Something maybe no one knows was that every scandal they’ve ever been through was a scandal of love. Or, maybe it’s something everybody knows.

And it’s more than romantic love, after all, because there are so many different types of love that Sehun doesn't know how to describe the feelings that rush through his chest when he looks at his members. There’s the affection he feels when he sees Junmyeon, comfortable in who he is and his place in the group, and there’s the pride he feels when he sees Minseok, who has wrapped a layer of gooey marshmallow around the knife in his chest, and the victory he feels when he sees Yixing, performing and being loved in America, and the happiness he feels when he’s with Chanyeol, or Jongin, or–

All of it is love, love, love, blossoming inside of him and threatening to burst at any moment. A bouquet of flowers, full of thorns and the unending desire to stay alive.

More than Junmyeon, they all loved Kris. More than Minseok, they all loved Luhan. And Sehun knows that more than him, they all loved Tao. 

Don’t tell Sehun he doesn’t know love. EXO itself is proof that he does.

\---

Sehun decides to confess in private. It’s not much of a decision, really, because the others won’t ever let him live it down if they’re around to witness it. 

So Sehun waits patiently, until CBX is out promoting and Kyungsoo is alone on his floor. It’s not terribly late, but it is late enough that dinner has already been eaten and each member has retreated back into their own space to do their own thing. Chanyeol and Jongin are doing enjoying themselves in Jongin’s room (Sehun can hear faint screams, followed by laughter, and Does Not want to investigate further.) Junmyeon is on the couch, reading a book, and does not look up as Sehun walks past.

So far so good, then. 

Kyungsoo opens the door when Sehun knocks, invites him in, and does not move a single muscle when Sehun gathers up his courage and says “I’m in love with you.” 

This is where it begins. 

Coincidentally, this is also where it ends. 

\---

“Kyungsoo watches you sometimes, y’know?” Jongin mentions, while they’re warming up for dance practice. “Sometimes, when you’re not paying attention, he’ll look over and stare for a little bit.” 

Sehun shrugs. After a long week of crying into his pillow, he understands why Kyungsoo let him down so harshly, why their conversation went south so quickly. Kyungsoo was trying to cut him off at the root, to take away any misconception Sehun might have about having a chance. 

Sehun gets it. Really, he does. 

Jongin looks suspicious. Sehun wishes there was something he could say to change the topic, something he could say to distract both himself and Jongin, but his mind draws a blank. He’s never been good with words, after all. 

“Whatever happened, you won’t lose him.” Jongin says, yanking Sehun out of his daydreams. 

Sehun grunts in reply. He doesn’t want to talk about this, especially not with Jongin, who hangs onto Kyungsoo’s every word (who Kyungsoo let's hang onto his every word.)

“What I mean is that Kyungsoo won’t be mad for very long.” Jongin continues. He’s pretty bad at reading moods, Sehun notes. “He may be avoiding you right now, but eventually you guys will talk it out. He loves you.” 

Love. What a funny thing. 

“I know that.” Sehun sighs. Baekhyun said Kyungsoo won’t hold it against Sehun. Sehun knows that, but his selfish heart wishes that Kyungsoo would stop avoiding him and that the two of them could just go back to what they were before. 

It’s a hopeless desire. Kyungsoo loves Sehun, but isn’t in love with Sehun. Now that he’s confessed, Sehun thinks he would die if he had to back to before. Before Kyungsoo knew. Before Sehun blurted out those horrible words, in the threshold of Kyungsoo’s dorm.

But still. Is it so wrong to wish they could be what they were?

Jongin nods. “Just be patient, then.” 

“I’m trying.” Sehun can’t help but snap back, claws bared and mouth frothing. Jongin flinches, and Sehun immediately wishes he could take it back. Wishes he could have Kyungsoo back.

“Sorry. I’m sorry.” He says. “I told Kyungsoo I was in love with him, and now he’s giving me space to get over it.” He leaves out what Kyungsoo said about love, about Sehun being in love. Jongin doesn’t need to hear about that. 

Jongin pauses. Sehun reevaluates. He doesn’t know why he said that last part, but the words tumbled over each other as they left his lungs, and all he can do now is go along with it. 

“I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t work out.” There is no judgement in his tone, not mocking or hidden hatred or confusion. Sehun really loves his members. 

“But sometimes love doesn't work out.” Jongin continues, eyes calm and focused on the ground. “That doesn't mean you just give up.” 

Sehun is selfish. His heart slows in his chest, and he wonders who it is Jongin’s thinking about. 

“That’s true.” Sehun admits. He loved Tao, after all, but Tao leaving was not the end of EXO. Being in love with Kyungsoo isn’t the end of everything either, not really. Just the end of this chapter. This era. 

Tao leaving was the end of an era too, and Luhan, and Kris. Sehun thinks of Junmyeon’s confidence and Minseok’s marshmallow heart (and Jongin’s innocence and Baekhyun’s laughter and Yixing’s pride) and knows that if they can all move forward, he can too. 

\---

When you’re young, when you’re a teenager, you think everything you have is going to last forever. You look at the people around you, the people you love, and never once consider that someday, they won’t be there anymore. You look at music, and at everything you choose to surround yourself with, and feel comforted in the knowledge that this is where you’ll be for the rest of your life. 

But that’s not how the world works. Life doesn’t exist in forever’s and infinity’s, but instead one-more-day’s and no-not-yets. Sehun thought at the beginning that the twelve of them were it, the ones who would have a legacy that would last forever. 

He was wrong, proven wrong three times, three pieces of his heart chipping off (a fourth dangling precariously by one last fiber). But that doesn’t mean they’ve given up. That doesn’t mean they’re done. 

Sehun now feels comfortable in the knowledge that he will not be in love with Kyungsoo forever. Someday, he will move on, and love someone else. Life doesn’t exist in forever’s and infinity’s, and this is Sehun’s one-last-day.

\---

When Sehun really thinks about it, Kyungsoo’s reaction wasn’t too far off from what he thought it would be. He wasn’t laughed at, or doubted, but instead turned down firmly, if only a little more harshly than he was expecting. 

But something still doesn’t sit right with him. Maybe it was how emotionless Kyungsoo’s eyes looked when Sehun confessed, how he might have taken it seriously but never once considered Sehun’s feelings to be genuine. Maybe it was how quick Kyungsoo was to deny love, how he spoke of it like it was a bad thing, distaste evident in his tone. 

Maybe it was all of it. 

Sehun knows how this ends, how his crush ends up denied and his love rejected. That’s fine. Sehun will get over it, but he deserves a better rejection. A better story to remember, something other than being treated more like a child than a grown man. 

So he waits again, waits for CBX to be out practicing, before he makes his move. This time Chanyeol and Jongin are in Chanyeol’s room, with more laughing and less screaming, and Junmyeon is watching T.V. listlessly on the couch. 

“Be safe, Sehun.” He says as Sehun passes, and does not ask where he is going. 

When Kyungsoo opens the door, he looks disappointed, but not surprised. After avoiding Sehun for more than a week, Sehun briefly wonders if Kyungsoo had expected him to make his approach sooner. 

“Don’t tell me I don’t know what love is.” Sehun begins, before Kyungsoo has even closed the door behind him. He has to say it as soon as possible, before Kyungsoo and his overwhelming presence makes him forget. 

Kyungsoo pauses, hand still on the doorknob. “Okay.” He says. “That was a pretty shitty thing for me to say. You probably have more love inside of you than the rest of us combined, anyways.”

It’s the closest thing Sehun’s going to get to an apology, and Kyungsoo smiles something close to a smile, something upturned and heart-shaped. Sehun’s heart beats faster, but he knows it’s futile. The damage from before has already been done, and Sehun knows he has no chance. 

“You were just trying to make it clear, right?” Sehun asks. He wonders if he sounds desperate. “Make it clear that I have no chance instead of letting me down gently and giving me hope.” 

Kyungsoo shrugs. “Kind of?” He says, and wow, that’s really not what Sehun wanted to hear. 

“But also you’re young.” Sehun opens his mouth to interrupt, but closes it with a single look from Kyungsoo.  _ I’m talking now,  _ the look seems to say, and Sehun’s selfish heart waits it’s turn. 

“You’re young and you think you understand love but you don’t– not really. You may be an adult now but the other members are still taking care of you.” He frowns, like he can’t figure out how to phrase his thoughts without being offensive. “You’re the maknae. It’s your job to be the baby, to be young. There’s nothing wrong with that.” 

Sehun thinks about Tao, and how he only began to look like a real, true adult after he left the group, how SM refused to let him spread his wings and take flight and instead trapped in in the nest. Maybe there’s some truth behind what Kyungsoo is saying. 

But thinking about Tao reminds Sehun that yes, he does know what love is. And he knows what heartbreak is and now he knows what being  _ in love _ is, and he may be the youngest and it may be his job to be the baby but that doesn’t mean Kyungsoo is a projection of his affection. 

“Do you remember when Tao left?” Sehun asks. 

Kyungsoo frowns, but nods. It’s clear he doesn’t know where Sehun is going with this, why Sehun brought this taboo subject up to begin with, but that’s alright. He’ll know soon. 

“Right.” Sehun clears his throat. “When Tao left, I thought the world would end.” Even thinking about it now hurts his heart. “He was my best friend, and he left.”

An understatement, Sehun is afraid that if he takes too long to explain himself Kyungsoo might lose interest, and the last thing Sehun wants is for this conversation to end without Kyungsoo knowing that Sehun is in love with him and doing his best to get over it. 

“So I know what love is. And I know what heartbreak is.” Sehun says. Heartbreak is soft. It’s sad. It’s injury upon injury, physical limitations that are made worse by a lack of support by your company. It’s little pieces of yourself chipping off until there’s nothing left but your heart, pulsing and visceral. 

Kyungsoo should understand. He was the one who approached Sehun first, after all, the one who checked in to make sure he was okay, that nothing was broken beyond repair. Whatever he saw in Sehun’s face during that time must be similar to what he sees now, years later. 

Sehun would never choose to be in love, not after everything that’s happened to them.

“I see.” Kyungsoo says, voice breaking the silence. It’s just as warm as Sehun remembered it to be. A candle, burning bright against the harsh wind. “You’ve grown up a lot, haven’t you?” 

Sehun tries not to puff out his chest or straighten his back, because of course Kyungsoo doesn’t mean physical growth. Instead he nods, and puts on his bravest face. 

“I just wanted you to know that my feelings are real.” He says. “It’s okay if you don’t accept them, but I wanted to do this honestly.”

“Okay.” Kyungsoo replies. “Okay.” 

Sehun blinks back tears. “I really am in love with you.” 

“Okay.” Kyungsoo says, for the third time. “I don’t return your feelings, but I still care about you.” His voice isn’t sad, but nor is it unfeeling. The candle does not blow out.

Sehun knows this. It’s what he expected, the best case scenario for the worst outcome. Kyungsoo’s eyes, searching and careful. He feels young and old, all at the same time. 

Sehun breathes. “Thank you for your time.” He says, bows, and leaves. Kyungsoo doesn’t stop him, doesn’t say anything to prevent him from leaving. It doesn't hurt any less than it did the first time.

But the next day, he offers Sehun his water bottle during practice. And the day after that, he lets Sehun rest his head on his shoulder, providing comfort in the midst of busy schedules.

He won’t hold it against you, Baekhyun had said.

You won’t lose him, Jongin had told him. 

Be safe, Junmyeon had cautioned. 

Sehun doesn’t know how long it will take to fall out of love with Kyungsoo. It might take months, or years, or forever. But even if Kyungsoo isn’t in love with him back, Sehun knows that Kyungsoo still loves him, that he’ll still be looking out for him and watching over him.

Sehun knows love. He knows love because EXO is one, because he loves his members, and because they love him back.

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/jwptmf) come scream at me about exo's ladder


End file.
